Oh Dear
by Conquistador Imp
Summary: And then came an idea. An idea that will cause much mental pain.
1. Chapter 1

"You know when ever he gets shot to pieces and regenerates back so complete even his clothes are perfect? Doesn't that means his clothes are part of him? And if they are doesn't that mean he walking in clothes that are not clothes made not of fabric but flesh? Oh dear. He's been running around naked!" Walter has been with Hellsing for many years and till this moment had not quiet thought about this.

Unfortunately neither had Integra who had just finished a meeting with the other sirs that have some reason to try and question Hellsing. She has just fully squished another attempt to take Hellsing away from her and for her to marry some weak willed kid with no chin; she's rather happy, well at less likely to shoot Alucard for annoying her. I think she enjoys shooting him because he regenerates so maybe not less like to shoot him. Oh well.

Any who, she hears this some ways up the hallway. Her head snaps in surprise at what Walter just said. Still walking forward, walking, walking, walking, aaaaaaand… SLAM! She walks into the door to her office falls backwards and lands on her- Alucard?

Alucard wanted to go kill Anderson, but first he needed to bug Integra because, because, becaaauz… Shefinishedameetingandwhenshedoesthatit'ssofuntoplaywithherand and yeah. So he was doing his phase thing through the floor to follow her into her office; she, falling backwards, fell on the upper half of the body.

Awkward silences' lack of noise goes here. "I'm laying on a naked Alucard." Blink Blink. "ALUCARD GET OFF OF ME! NOW!" Integra does a full body twitch off Alucard. Opens the door to her office, steps in, slams the door, "Walter make me some tea," She says through the closed door. Then mutters "Another thought that will wake me in the middle of the night." Her eye twitches and she's off to do paper work.

Alucard confused. Walter startled. And Integra's traumatized. What more could happen?


	2. The Dream

Declaimer: The Conquistador does not own Hellsing. Nor does the Conquistador own the Annoying Thing.

Alucard is confused. So confused that not even with his supreme wit and intellect he still came up with a blank as to the reaction, "I'm laying on a naked Alucard." Ooooh look he's thinking see the one dot floatie thingy?

Look upon his thoughts in awe and wonder of such amazing things: 'a naked Alucard? I did not know there were more then one of me… No she had fallen on this me and not any other me. I think. I don't remember having more then one of me running around. But it is illogical that she would say I'm naked. I'm not naked. I have this beautiful coat, and it is long and it flies up so dramatically when I spin and shoot things. Or when I spin. I might be helping it dramatically fly up a little bit, but only a little bit. Like when it flutters when there is no wind. So rippley… And I have a shirt and a pair of pants and a pair of boots and evens these glasses I once saw and copied now the glasses are mine! Dammit! I don't figure! Stumped. Now I'm at my wits end! I'm looking in Integra's mind! This has nothing to do with the fact she was thinking about guns the last time I peeked in her head this morning! Or the time before that she was pondering which bra was comfier to wear! Or the time before that how people could smoke those skinny fags (cigarettes in slang people where is your mind?) cigars have a much better flavor, much stronger to the night before last. I shake the magic ball peer inside her mind and find… Her sleeping, everything is normal.'

Cue dream scene. Normal? Heh right. Well Integra is sitting under her desk filling out the paper on top of her chair. Her hair is sitting completely flat, at a 180 degree angle, the tips of her hair are touching each side of the desk. And she's humming 'It's a wonderful; day in the neighborhood' from Mister Rogers TV show. And her glasses are flying around in circles under her hair. Alucard, Alucard was horrified by the eye. Under the chair her legs were sticking straight out for any one to trip over. She was wearing knee high socks, one bright yellow and the other purple with blue dots. Any one could trip over her feet, so someone of course did.

Shoes, big black shoes with the green laces tied into a bow at the bottom of the shoes instead of the top. _Step. Step. Ste-trIp! Ka thud! Ba dud, ba dud, ba dud._ Apparently if he is stopped. And he has dropped. He now must roll. _Ba dud, ba dud, ba dud._ There's Walters' face! He's wearing a scholars' cap because? "Here you go Sir Integra. Here be food to break your fast."

Biscuits! Sweet, yummy, crumbly, never let you have for breakfast in a million years, biscuits! They were shape into men wearing suits weirdly looking like the same men she was in a meeting with today. Ew. Integra meticulously bit each of their heads off and carefully putt them back on the plate while snapping their legs off, crippling the biscuits for the rest of their moldy lives. How like the meeting it was.

After that she stood up; and was now standing on top of the desk. Her hair dropped flat down her back, Integra's glasses still flying around her head. She starts walking across the office towards the door, to that hallway. Stops, 'That hallway, what about it? Meeting, squishing the stupid cigarettes, Walter without his cap.' An Alucard in the dream (Oh noes there **are** two of zhem!) running around in circles making a noise like a car_. BrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrrr er er BrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRrrrRRrrr ER er._ Runs past Integra once. Then twice, then one more time before she realizes something is off. He is now impersonating the annoying frog. Except he's taller, skinner, more muscled, and- and wearing his hat and glasses. Yep that's all to the description, wasn't going to say a thing more. Sorry you lovely ladies and perhaps gents. Let us not hit M rating here. He's naked so Integra does what any sexually blind hermit does. Gives him mental boxers, well normally she would. This time it's a psychedelic bar where they would put a black one on TV. And now he flies across the room on the invisible motorbike going bwee. She pulls out a gun from her blue shorts. Aims for the heart; and shoots truly. _Bang!_

The bullet flies through the air and hits. _Pock._ Alucard's skin rises away from the chest swallows the bullet flips around his chest and arms. Now he's wearing a pink shirt with dark blue chest/neck ruffles_. Pock_. Another bang and the psychedelic bar becomes a psychedelic pair of pants. Alucard is still riding on his invisible motorbike. Giggling maniacally he drives forward about to get rid of all the papers on the chair. Unfortunately his hair had other plans. It gets tangled into the internal workings of the invisible motorbike. Then it eats it. Alucard's bum hits the floor, through the floor. And the lower half falls through. His shirts and ruffles have gone poof.

Integra looks at Alucard. Glasses fall onto face, she looks at Alucard's bare chest and said, "Well that's a text book nak-" And wakes up.

On the other side of this magic ball. Alucard…. Well Alucard is confused. Even more so. But the first idea that came to mind was: "My hair wouldn't do that," and the second, "What drugs is she on? And why isn't she sharing?!"

The author's thought was, "Where did Walter go?"


End file.
